Do you want to make sense out of your fights with your partner? Watch this short video. Daily, I hear from couples things like: “When he shuts me out, I just get so upset with him! I simply cannot help it!” or “When we fight, it is like going from 0 to 100 within a second!” or “When she comes at me with her attacks, I just need to leave!”
The intensity between couples is astounding (but it is now understandable and no longer unfathomable)! Distressed couples feel it, and I feel it with them when they are at my office. When in the midst of a fight, couples loose track of who said what, they stop remembering things, they get confused, they protest and push or they turn away and shut down. They literally have a melt down.
Why is that? The answer is simple—those arguments get so intense because the relationship with the person who you love and rely on (or want to rely on) is at risk. The bond that you have with this person is threatened.
The bond is threatened because the partner is not responding to you—not understanding where you are coming from, not hearing the struggle. Instead, he/she is either getting defensive, attacking, or disengaging and shuting down. As a result, you might end up feeling either abandoned or rejected.
When you reach to invite connection—to talk it out, to make it better, to feel closer again—and that is being met with a push back, protest, or a shut down, you lose it.
What is fascinating about this is that it doesn’t matter how old you are—you will have the same responses (either a protest/push AND turn away/shut down).
We don’t know too many ways of dealing with the pain of feeling disconnected—at any age.
When you look at your own relationship, can you notice your own moves in the interactions with your partner? When are you reaching, protesting, pushing, turning away, shutting down and losing it? Can you talk about your moves with your partner? If not, feel free to call me so I can help you make sense out of your fights!